Domestic violence is more than just physical violence. Domestic violence occurs when one person uses behaviors and tactics to gain power over their partner. Many abusive partners manipulate, control and sabotage their partner's money and finances to gain power and control. 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact without consent. Exact legal definitions of consent my vary by location and circumstance but general concept is always the same- giving permission for something to happen. While consent is an essential part of sexual contact, consent is also part of our everyday reactions. Consent is about respecting other people's boundaries. By practicing consent in everyday situations, you are showing respect for them and respecting their right to make decisions for themselves.
 

In 2022, The Domestic Violence Shelter provided services and support to over 200 people. Many people who seek assistance from our agency are in need of basic day to day necessities such as food, clothing, hygiene products and household essentials. The Shelter knows that it's not enough just to provide a safe space to stay- we also want survivors and their children to have the security of knowing all their needs will be met. 

There are multiple ways for our community to support the survivors who work with our agency. Financial contributions can support the services we provide to survivors and their children every day. Donation of items help ensure we can provide all the essential items needed for day to day living. Volunteering your time supports our agency in the work we offer our community.

What is Digital Abuse?
​Digital abuse is the use of technology and the Internet to bully, harass, stalk, intimidate, or control a partner. This behavior is often a form of verbal or emotional abuse conducted online.  Digital abuse is also referred to as technology abuse, or technology facilitated abuse. Digital abuse can happen in the context of any relationship and might continue after someone leaves their partner.

Signs of Digital Abuse
​Technology is an integral part of everyone’s lives, but if you are a teen you might need technology for everything from homework to your social life. This constant access and exposure to technology leaves opportunities for digital abuse to occur. This abuse may seem isolating because it may be happening without anyone witnessing the behaviors. The following are examples of digital abuse that teens may experience:
Has your partner ever?

• Told you that you are not allowed to communicate with someone?
• Sent you a threatening message or text?
• Used social media to figure out where you are?
• Made an embarrassing or insulting post about you?
• Pressured or forced you to send a picture you were not comfortable with?
• Forced or coerced you to share your passwords?
• Called or texted you over and over again after you told them to leave you alone?
• Sent a picture or video of you without your consent?

When did you learn about consent? It’s possible that you didn’t get to have this important conversation with a trusted adult in your life. You may have had to create your own understanding of consent through your own life experiences- which can cause many problems. It is imperative that you provide your children information about consent. Conversations about consent should start at a very young age and continue throughout their life. How do you have these conversations with the children in your life?

What is Consent?
Put simply, consent is giving permission for something to happen. We generally talk about consent in regards to sex, but consent is important in virtually all aspects of life. We practice consent when deciding what kind of physical contact we are comfortable with, developing boundaries in our relationships, setting limits with others and expressing our desires. Depending on the age and maturity of your child, you may choose a variety of examples to demonstrate the concept of consent.

Examples:
Young kids: “If you don’t want to hug your uncle, you don’t have to. Do you want to give him a high five instead?”
Middle school: “You don’t have to text the girl from your math class anymore if she is making you uncomfortable. You get to decide who you text”
High school: “Even though you are going to prom, you don’t owe your date anything. Don’t feel pressured to have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Why talk about consent?
When parents have consent conversations with their children, it is often focused on avoiding sexual assault. While this is one important aspect of these conversations, there are also many benefits to fostering conversations about consent.

1. Your child knows they can talk to you: When you establish you are comfortable discussing difficult subjects, your child can trust that you are a safe person to share with. If your child knows they will not be met with judgement or discomfort, you can be a trusted confidant as they deal with the issues they may face. They may also feel comfortable confiding in you if they are being harmed by someone.
2. You are teaching your child about healthy relationships: As mentioned previously, consent is not just about sex. Consent is part of all healthy interactions from things as simple as giving someone a hug to things more complex such as dating relationships. By talking about consent, you are giving your child the tools to foster healthy relationships and treat others with respect.
3. You are helping your child enforce healthy boundaries: We all need to have healthy boundaries- emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. By talking about consent, you are letting your child know they are allowed to say no and be confident in their decisions.

Consent Conversation Tips

• Talking about consent should not be a formal lecture, instead it should be ongoing conversations, comments and behaviors.
• Take advantage of all opportunities to discuss consent with your child.
• Don’t wait until something uncomfortable or harmful happens, bring up these topics whenever possible
• Encourage questions, even if you don’t have all the answers. Admit when you aren’t sure and ask your child to help talk through the possible answers with you.
• Use examples from everyday life, movies/tv shows, stories in the media and relevant examples from your experiences. You can adapt these examples to be an appropriate fit for your child’s age.

Modeling
It’s not enough to just talk about consent, you must also model it in your daily life. Once again, consent applies to most of our normal day to day interactions. Take advantage of these moments by showing what respectful communication and interactions look like. Normalize communicating about boundaries in your family. Use simple situations, such as asking before taking a bite of food off your child’s plate, to show how you ask for permission, wait for a response and accept an answer. Show your child how you accept the answer of “no” with respect and kindness. Model healthy boundaries in your relationships.

What to Avoid
Expressing judgment– you want your child to feel comfortable talking to you. You may not intend to sound judgmental, so be conscious of your reactions and body language.
Focusing on the law– it is important for people to understand the legal implications of consent, but there should be more to your conversation than just the law! This is especially important when talking to teenage boys, there is more to consent than just age of consent laws.
Victim blaming– sometimes we tell women “safety tips” with the best of intentions. But make sure your advice isn’t subtly placing blame on women for not preventing their assault. For example, telling your daughter to not wear revealing clothing may give the impression that clothing can imply consent.
Showing your own discomfort– if you express that you are uncomfortable talking about consent, relationships or sex, your child may think these are unacceptable topics to discuss. Push yourself to respect your boundaries while also being the resource your child needs you to be for them.

Resources
You don’t have to have all the answers to start talking about consent! Check out the links included in this blog or call 419-774-5840 to speak with a trained advocate.

Resources referenced in this blog post:
https://www.nsvrc.org/blogs/how-parents-can-talk-their-kids-about-consent
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age#takeaway
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/18/12/consent-every-age
https://childmind.org/article/how-talk-kids-sex-consent-boundaries/
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-01/TeachHandout_508.pdf

Other resources about consent:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent

Self-care is not a luxury, is not optional and is not occasional. Self-care is fundamental, mandatory and frequent. Self-care is absolutely essential to your mental, emotional and physical well being. 

Often we think about self-care as a special treat, something that we have to plan and prepare for. But self-care needs to be a part of your everyday routine. Using information from How To Start a Self-Care Routine (and Stick To It) – Cleveland Clinic, here's some tips for making self-care part of your daily life. 

What is self-care?
According to Dr. Matthew Saco, "Self-care is something we deliberately do- or in some instances, refrain from doing- with our own well-being in mind." Self-care includes physical, emotional, psychological and even spiritual practices to keep you in a healthy mindset. 

Why does self-care matter?
Self-care helps us combat stress and anxiety and helps keep us prepared for dealing with the demands of life. When you have a well established plan and routine, you are prepared to cope with unexpected stressors and can maintain a healthy lifestyle. 

How to start your routine
Starting a routine can seem impossible, and we often set ourselves up for failure when we expect perfection from the start. To get your routine started, think of some small steps you can try out. Start with a small addition to your morning routine. Do you start your morning in chaos? Maybe try preparing your coffee pot or laying out your clothes the night before. As you adapt to each small change, add another. It can be as simple as reserving 10 minutes a day for reading or relaxation. 

You can also think about habits you'd like to break. Maybe you get so busy that you frequently forget to eat lunch. You could try setting an alarm to remind you that you have to stop to eat. You might find yourself mindlessly scrolling on your phone. To work towards breaking this habit you could try scheduling a phone free hour in your day. 

Short term and long term routines
Starting with small changes gives you the chance to evaluate your successes and struggles. As you start to perfect your everyday routine, start to add bigger goals to your routine. Consider what you can do for your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health everyday. Think of something you can do every week for self-care. It could be going to an exercise class, or trying a new recipe every week.

Continue to grow your routine to include monthly goals. They could be goals focused on relaxation, such as spending time with a friend at least once a month. Or you could pick a goal that contributes to your overall well-being, such as picking a  substantial household chore to complete every month. 

Flexibility
We all know that life can be stressful. There will be times where you just cannot accomplish everything you want to do. Be realistic of what you are able to do, and don't stress out if you lapse on your self-care routine. Try to get back to your routine, and prioritize your most important aspects of self-care. The more natural self-care becomes in your everyday life, the less likely you are to neglect your self-care habits. 

Tips to try

• Think about the things that make you happy: Is it a cup of coffee in the morning? Or is it taking the time to do your hair or makeup everyday? Maybe it's having time to yourself before bed every night. The small things you enjoy are important! Make these things a priority in your every day life and figure out a way to make it part of your routine!
• Plan ahead: Having a plan and being prepared can help relieve some of your day to day stress. Include time for preparing and planning ahead in your daily routine. It can be small things like laying out your children's clothing before bed or keeping a calendar. As you build your routine, consider adding larger plans such as a weekly meal plan, or a monthly cleaning schedule. 
• Treat yourself: It's ok to pamper yourself or allow yourself to have nice experiences! It's probably not practical to plan for weekly spa appointments, but it's ok to include an occasional stop at a coffee shop or time to do your nails in your routine. Giving yourself permission to do nice things can be a huge boost to your mood and it's great to have things to look forward to. 
• Ask for help: Taking on too much can be harmful to your well-being. Think about the things that are overwhelming for you. Is it an option to ask for help with these things? Maybe you feel overwhelmed by being your children's primary caregiver. Do you have a friend or family member who can babysit for a few hours to give you a break? Are you stressed out by cleaning and chores around the house? Find ways for your partner and/or children to help share the responsibilities. If you feel like you have too much on your plate it's ok to think about ways to reduce your load. 
• Don't do it alone: While it's important to prioritize your self-care needs, invite your family and friends to join you in this journey! Friends can help with your ideas and accountability. Encouraging your children and/or partner to practice self-care can help your entire household's well-being!

Financial abuse is a tactic of abuse where an abuser uses finances to maintain power and control over their partner. Financial abuse often begins subtly and progresses over time.