Consent Conversations

When did you learn about consent? It’s possible that you didn’t get to have this important conversation with a trusted adult in your life. You may have had to create your own understanding of consent through your own life experiences- which can cause many problems. It is imperative that you provide your children information about consent. Conversations about consent should start at a very young age and continue throughout their life. How do you have these conversations with the children in your life?

What is Consent?
Put simply, consent is giving permission for something to happen. We generally talk about consent in regards to sex, but consent is important in virtually all aspects of life. We practice consent when deciding what kind of physical contact we are comfortable with, developing boundaries in our relationships, setting limits with others and expressing our desires. Depending on the age and maturity of your child, you may choose a variety of examples to demonstrate the concept of consent.

Examples:
Young kids: “If you don’t want to hug your uncle, you don’t have to. Do you want to give him a high five instead?”
Middle school: “You don’t have to text the girl from your math class anymore if she is making you uncomfortable. You get to decide who you text”
High school: “Even though you are going to prom, you don’t owe your date anything. Don’t feel pressured to have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Why talk about consent?
When parents have consent conversations with their children, it is often focused on avoiding sexual assault. While this is one important aspect of these conversations, there are also many benefits to fostering conversations about consent.

1. Your child knows they can talk to you: When you establish you are comfortable discussing difficult subjects, your child can trust that you are a safe person to share with. If your child knows they will not be met with judgement or discomfort, you can be a trusted confidant as they deal with the issues they may face. They may also feel comfortable confiding in you if they are being harmed by someone.
2. You are teaching your child about healthy relationships: As mentioned previously, consent is not just about sex. Consent is part of all healthy interactions from things as simple as giving someone a hug to things more complex such as dating relationships. By talking about consent, you are giving your child the tools to foster healthy relationships and treat others with respect.
3. You are helping your child enforce healthy boundaries: We all need to have healthy boundaries- emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. By talking about consent, you are letting your child know they are allowed to say no and be confident in their decisions.

Consent Conversation Tips

• Talking about consent should not be a formal lecture, instead it should be ongoing conversations, comments and behaviors.
• Take advantage of all opportunities to discuss consent with your child.
• Don’t wait until something uncomfortable or harmful happens, bring up these topics whenever possible
• Encourage questions, even if you don’t have all the answers. Admit when you aren’t sure and ask your child to help talk through the possible answers with you.
• Use examples from everyday life, movies/tv shows, stories in the media and relevant examples from your experiences. You can adapt these examples to be an appropriate fit for your child’s age.

Modeling
It’s not enough to just talk about consent, you must also model it in your daily life. Once again, consent applies to most of our normal day to day interactions. Take advantage of these moments by showing what respectful communication and interactions look like. Normalize communicating about boundaries in your family. Use simple situations, such as asking before taking a bite of food off your child’s plate, to show how you ask for permission, wait for a response and accept an answer. Show your child how you accept the answer of “no” with respect and kindness. Model healthy boundaries in your relationships.

What to Avoid
Expressing judgment– you want your child to feel comfortable talking to you. You may not intend to sound judgmental, so be conscious of your reactions and body language.
Focusing on the law– it is important for people to understand the legal implications of consent, but there should be more to your conversation than just the law! This is especially important when talking to teenage boys, there is more to consent than just age of consent laws.
Victim blaming– sometimes we tell women “safety tips” with the best of intentions. But make sure your advice isn’t subtly placing blame on women for not preventing their assault. For example, telling your daughter to not wear revealing clothing may give the impression that clothing can imply consent.
Showing your own discomfort– if you express that you are uncomfortable talking about consent, relationships or sex, your child may think these are unacceptable topics to discuss. Push yourself to respect your boundaries while also being the resource your child needs you to be for them.

Resources
You don’t have to have all the answers to start talking about consent! Check out the links included in this blog or call 419-774-5840 to speak with a trained advocate.

Resources referenced in this blog post:
https://www.nsvrc.org/blogs/how-parents-can-talk-their-kids-about-consent
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age#takeaway
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/18/12/consent-every-age
https://childmind.org/article/how-talk-kids-sex-consent-boundaries/
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-01/TeachHandout_508.pdf

Other resources about consent:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent